Bantam Banter

Over the last few weeks, I have become re-obsessed with American Gladiators thanks in no small part to the Netflix and ESPN documentaries that have recently dropped. As someone who is obsessed with stats, I was very interested to hop in and look at the rankings of the Gladiators to see which of them excelled at specific events. Sure, I remember Ice being a stud at Assault and Nitro being the workhorse of Powerball, but is that just my nostalgia talking? Unfortunately, I soon found out that not only is there no real stat-keeping done with American Gladiators but there’s not even a valid ranking of the Gladiators anywhere. 

Thankfully, most of the series (outside of Season 1) is widely available on YouTube. So, I’ve spent the last week watching every episode of Season 2, compiling stats, and making notes to try and determine which Gladiator posted the best season overall. If you want to my full stat breakdown, make sure and check out the description below, and keep in mind that these stats are a bit rough. For one, I’m missing things like the alumni challenge, but there are also some discrepancies in how points are awarded that I choose not to break out for events like Powerball and Atlasphere. I’ll get more into detail about that when it comes up.

It’s also important to know how I score certain events. For example, if you’re playing something like Assault, I’m giving the Gladiator the win for either hitting the Contender or having the time stall out. That said, in Joust, I’m only giving points if the Gladiator knocks the person off. The way I look at it is that we need to consider the Gladiator’s goal and if they succeed. So, a “draw” in Assault is a Gladiator win because they did their job, but if they draw in Hang Tough, I’m not giving them any points because they didn’t complete the goal. Fortunately, Assault is the only real event with some gray area and everything is pretty straightforward, but do keep that in mind moving forward.

If you have any questions or comments about how Season 3 and beyond will go, feel free to sound off in the comments. Let’s get to the rankings, starting with the women.

5) Lace

It’s hard to do these rankings without any real context, but it definitely seems like Lace came into this season with some kind of an injury. She didn’t participate in a single televised match of Joust, Conquer, or Hang Tough. No other Gladiator posted zero appearances in more than one event for the entire season. She does hold the most female appearances in Powerball and Assault, while also doing more than her fair share of Atlasphere, but in all of those she was kind of terrible. She’s actually not that bad at Assault, but the women tend to be very good at that event. She posted a 64% win rate, which sounds great until you release that Gold, Ice, and Diamond are all above 80%. 

Now, it’s important to note that both Powerball and Atlasphere are a bit hard to score because American Gladiators double the points for only those events once we get to the semi-finals. For the most part, the Gladiators all participate in a roughly equal amount of these matches (outside of one Gladiator we’ll get to much later), so I don’t weigh this too much. That said, knowing that Lace did more Powerballs than any other woman is important because it means she’s viewed as one of the better players even if the numbers don’t bear that out. Of course, these are also team events, so Lace could dominate every time out and be let down by her teammates, which means I weigh them a little less in the rankings. 

All of this said Lace’s best event might actually be The Wall. She was only successful on 50% of her attempts, but that’s better than anyone besides Blaze and Diamond. She also tends to actually pull her opponent off the wall instead of just having them drop on their own. Unfortunately, that doesn’t help push her above any of the other women.

4) Gold

I think this spot is very close between Gold and Diamond, but I’m going to give Diamond the edge because she’s not the worst in anything. Gold, meanwhile is the worst-performing lady in Powerball, The Wall, and Atlasphere. The Wall is particularly bad because the ladies are usually much better than the men, but she actually ties Thunder as the worst Gladiator in the event during Season 2.

On the other hand, Gold is the best-performing Gladiator, regardless of gender, at Assault. She won 87.5% of her matches, an absolutely ridiculous rate of success. On top of that, she’s the only woman to post a win rate above 50% in both Breakthrough and Conquer and is the best woman at Human Cannonball. That said, I think her weaknesses stand out just a little too much. Her game just isn’t as well-rounded as the other Gladiators above her.

3) Diamond

As mentioned, Diamond and Gold are nearly tied in these rankings. Diamond just doesn’t have as many holes in her game as Gold, though they are there. In fact, the only thing keeping her from being the worst lady Gladiator in Conquer is the fact that Lace never did it because she failed in her two attempts. That said, she was the only woman to post a winning percentage over 35% in Hang Tough, kept a low score in Powerball and Atlasphere while participating in double-digit events in both, and was pretty solid in every other event except one. 

That event is Joust where she is the worst-performing Gladiator outside of Lace who didn’t have a Joust all season. You might think that isn’t a huge issue, but she did the most Jousts of any women all season, meaning you’d think she was the go-to for that event. However, in her 12 attempts, she only picked up four victories. For comparison, Blaze won four matches in just eight attempts. Simply not good enough for someone who’s being billed as the on-site leader at the event.

2) Blaze

Here’s the thing about Blaze, she is basically Gold, but much better. Like Gold, she isn’t great across the board but excels in events like Powerball and The Wall. In fact, she’s downright dominant at The Wall, posting a ludicrous 70% win rate. Only one other player, regardless of gender, is above 50%. She also participated in 14 Powerballs, so you can’t say her great numbers are because she skipped the rounds in the later stages of the competition where points were doubled.

Blaze does have a couple of knocks though. She’s the only female Gladiator that was DQ’d all season, getting knocked out twice in Powerball. Blaze is also pretty bad at Assault, barely scraping together a 50% win rate. She also doesn’t have a single successful attempt at Human Cannonball in her six attempts. That said, her prowess on The Wall, solid win rate at Joust, and overall above-average showing in most events put her in a tier just above Diamond and Gold.

1) Ice

I’ll be honest, I went into this expecting Ice to be the best and I was not disappointed. She doesn’t place last in any event for the ladies all season, coming out as the statistically best player in Joust, Atlasphere, and Conquer. In fact, the only event where she finishes out of the top two is The Wall where she is in fourth place due to her 30% win rate. It gets even better though.

Unlike many players this season, Ice doesn’t really have an event that the producers try to force her into. She is the ultimate utility player for the female Gladiators, posting solid numbers in every event outside of Breakthrough. Even that can be explained away because the woman is nearly unbeatable at Conquer, going 6 for 8 this season. She also works well within the team, posting great scores in both Powerball and Atlasphere. But her best event is probably Joust. 

You can tell that many of the other Gladiators are a bit timid when they get into Joust, almost looking like they don’t really know how to play. Not Ice. From the jump, she is absolutely destroying competitors with a smile on her face. Ice is the star of the show for a reason and she more than proves it in her first season. 

Now, let’s take a look at where the five men stack up against each other.

5) Thunder

Here’s the thing about the men’s side during Season 2, I don’t think there’s a true weak link in the mix, and would entertain an argument for most of these guys to move around. That said, Thunder definitely seems like more of a specialist than any of the other male Gladiators. Yes, he has a great winning percentage in events like Joust, Conquer, and Assault, but he also doesn’t do them very much. And in events like The Wall and Atlasphere, he plays quite a bit but isn’t very good.

Of course, it’s not all bad for Thunder. The man is a dynamo at Human Cannonball, which makes sense when you look at him. I can’t find the actual weights of the Gladiators, but Thunder has to be the heaviest of them. His being an immovable object isn’t a surprise. I also have to talk about his performance in Powerball. Unlike Turbo, he actually did participate in several semi and quarterfinal matchups and still posted better per-game stats than everyone but Turbo. I’m ranking him low, but if he’s able to play in more events in Season 3, he could move up the rankings quickly.

4) Laser

I think this ranking is going to surprise some people, especially if you’ve just watched the Netflix doc. After all, Laser was one of the faces of the show and was one of the few Gladiators that stuck around for every season. And, to be fair, I think you could rank him as high as second and I wouldn’t be that mad. However, Laser just didn’t perform that well at several of the most important events. 

For example, he was the worst male in Joust this season, posting a relatively paltry 60% win rate. You can argue that he did more of that event than anyone but Gemini, but both Turbo and Thunder have only one less win than him despite climbing onto the platform four fewer times. Next, let’s look at The Wall, which is supposedly (if you believe the announcers) Laser’s best event. He is supposed to dominate this and yet he only won three times in twelve attempts! That’s borderline embarrassing, especially when a bigger dude like Gemini was able to win four of his eight attempts. I also have to point out that he’s the only male with multiple DQs on the season, getting tossed in both Powerball and Hang Tough.

There are all kinds of bright spots for Laser though. He is, almost without question, the best male at Assault. While Nitro gets significantly more attempts at the event, Laser actually has more wins. He’s also a workhorse at Conquer even if he only has a 38% winning percentage. That event might be tilted the most against the Gladiators though, so I rate him pretty highly despite the relatively poor percentages. All in all, Laser had a solid season with flashes of brilliance, but his lack of wins at what is supposed to be his marquee event knocks him down my rankings.

3) Gemini

Alright, let’s talk about the negatives first. Gemini has three events where he’s the lowest-performing male Gladiator by percentage. Those events are Powerball, Human Cannonball, and Atlasphere. He actually ranks third or lower in every event except The Wall where he’s first in winning percentage and Conquer and Hang Tough where he’s in second spot.

That all sounds bad, and you might want to move him to the bottom slot because of it. After all, Thunder actually places first in three different events and is only at the bottom in Hang Tough. However, it’s important to dig a little deeper. Yes, his Powerball numbers aren’t great, but he did it 15 times, which is only bettered by Nitro on the men’s side. He also has the most plays in Atlasphere among the men, making him the go-to guy in team events. So, while his numbers don’t look great in those events, he passes the eye test. I hate to say “Trust me, bro,” but unless you’re going to watch every episode like I did, you’re going to have to.

On top of that, he’s the male workhorse in Joust, and unlike Diamond on the women’s side, he backs that up by winning nine of his twelve matches. That blows everyone out of the water. Gemini also surprisingly performs very well on The Wall, which seems like an event he’d be bad at given his size. However, he uses that size to slam the wall and knock competitors off. While he hardly even pulls anyone down, he wins the mental game and is tied for most wins in the event among men. His numbers might not be sexy, but he does the grunt work and is the de facto locker room leader, making him a very important Season 2 Gladiator.

2) Nitro

It’s safe to say that Nitro is one of the most well-known Gladiators, and it turns out that reputation comes with very good reason! Now look, like Gemini, Nitro’s winning percentage rankings are all over the place. The man looks mediocre if you’re just looking at where he ranks compared to other Gladiators. However, he is the go-to guy for almost every event. 

Seriously, Nitro did 20 Powerballs. Twenty! Turbo did eight and the next closet male is Gemini at 15. He also did 10 Atlaspheres which is only bested by Gemini with 11. It keeps going too. He’s tied with Tubro for the most attempts in Assault, he’s just below Laser in The Wall, and only Turbo did Hang Tough more. 

Sure, he might not win all the time, but we have to give him credit for being more involved than literally anyone on the season. He also backs it up with good numbers in Joust, The Wall, Breakthrough, and Hang Tough. Nitro doesn’t perform super well at any particular event, but he is the ultimate glue guy for Season 2, which is why I rank him so highly. That, and the fact that he’s the only male with an actual personality.

1) Turbo

If you had told me I would have Turbo at the top of my male rankings at the end of Season 2, I would have asked, “Who’s Turbo?” In my memory of watching the show in syndication, Turbo was the one I remembered the least, but I came away incredibly impressed at what the man did in Season 2. There is only one event (Assault) where he finished below second in terms of winning percentage. That’s dominance. That’s godlike. That’s a true Gladiator.

Now, I have to be honest, some of those percentages are a bit misleading. For instance, his per-game numbers in Powerball are great, but he never did an event in the semis or quarters. That sways his numbers massively, making him look much better in that event than he really was. He also doesn’t have many attempts in either Breakthrough or Conquer, so while he did very well in his limited time, it’s hard to rank him above Gemini or Laser who both got stuck into those events much more often.

That said, the events he did play often are ridiculous. The man went nine for 12 in Hang Tough. Keep in mind that he weighs over 250 pounds, and yet he’s able to destroy much lighter competitors at an event that’s all about body control, grip strength, and strategy. He’s not just a physical specimen though, as he won nine of his 14 attempts in Assault. For reference, Nitro also had 14 attempts but only won five times. Come on.

If you want to argue to have someone else above him, I’ll hear it, but I think you’re wrong. Yes, the men’s field is a bit more wide open than the women’s where Ice was an absolute wrecking crew, but I think Turbo’s performance in key events overtakes the fact that he was never asked to perform in team events during the latter stages of the tournament.

Be sure to sound off in the comments to tell me why I’m wrong, and if you have the hookup on Season 1 (outside of Roku having like five episodes), please let me know! See you in a few weeks with the Season 3 rankings.

Link to Stats Spreadsheet: Gladiators Stats

Video version: Gladiators Ranked